I am trying to keep a record of the tender mercies and lessons learned from the spirit that I experience in my life.  For myself and for my family

We have had a tight money situation in our home the last few weeks.  A few extra things sprung up, two trips to Utah this summer,  not following our budget as well as we should have etc..etc.. have left us a little tight.  Wanting to make sure we will be safe over the next few months Klint and I put a stop to all non essential spenditures for the next few weeks.  I am sorry to say, and honestly a bit embarrassed, of how this difficult this was at the beginning.  I didn't realize how much shopping and "getting" had become a part of my daily life.  

 I have prayed for guidance and for the Lords help to live within our means these past few weeks, and He has answered those prayers.  My eyes have been opened to everything I have been missing as I have been so consumed with everything we needed to get and buy.  Running errands from store to store, trying to get "it" all done before Cole's nap.   This past week, I haven't gone to any stores and have made do with what we have, and it's been such a blessing!!  The spirit has touched my heart and taught me that I have missed out on a lot of service opportunities because I was too wrapped up in myself and my what our family"needed".  Since I have been home, every single day I have been given multiple opportunities to serve that I would have missed if I was out running those most "important" errands.  Stepping back I see that they really weren't that important, and I was filling my life with good things, but not better things, and definitely not the best things.

I also find myself more content with what we have as I have stopped spending.  I have found ways around situations I would have normally just gone out and bought things.  And I feel so proud of myself using my own brain to come up with other solutions that work just as well, if not better!!
I wish money was never a worry, but I am grateful for this hardship.  I am slowly but surely coming to know that hard things often precede, and actually bring abou,t really good things.  I needed and still need to learn this lesson of contentment.  I needed to strengthen my faith and know that the Lord will not let us fail, but to trust in Him completely.

Joyful Tender Mercies

This is my personal account of joyful moments, and journaling...so I continue to share some of my innermost feelings and thoughts.  Often these are too raw to share in person, but I must keep a record of them, and this is my writing place :-)

I have struggled.  These past few months have been harder then I ever thought.  I have always known that I will be able to get through any challenge that the Lord sees fit for me.  But my heart has had trouble feeling what my mind knows.  It's just been so hard.

Today in Sacrament meeting I made a concerted effort to have the sacrament be a more meaningful time of worship.  Last family home evening we had a lesson on it, and I felt it was more for me, than anyone else.  I began to pray fervently during the music, listening carefully to the prayer, and then continuing to pray during the passing.  My heart became extremely heavy as I began to feel how much I needed my Savior.  How broken I am.  How many many many mistakes I had made during the week, how much I needed to be made clean again.  How much I needed to be made whole again.  How very much I needed the Atonement.  I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed to be made whole again.  I prayed for much sought after peace.  Peace that I know can only come from my Savior.  Peace that I have missed.  As I prayed, the tears came.  My loving amazing Husbando put his arms around me and just held me.  Not asking if I was ok, because he knew, he always knows.  While I prayed I felt in my mind the words, "this is what a broken heart and a contrite spirit feel like.  This is humility, and humility is what I require of you and what you needed before you can begin to heal"  Afterwards I prayed to just feel my Saviors love for me.  Not a miracle, just to feel His love... for me.

My Heavenly Father answered that prayer, and that's what I most want to record and thus remember.  In Young Woman's, a most choice daughter  prepared part of the lesson on gaining a testimony of Jesus Christ.  She shared a conference talk that has meant alot to her in her life. In the first few paragraphs I found the beginnings to prayers I have offered since losing my Nana.  This General Authority spoke on the challenges we face in life. He said some of the challenges are very difficult, and some we can overcome through much trial.  But some challenges we will not overcome in this life, and will only overcome in the life to come.  I have been praying to overcome this grief, this emptiness, this loneliness.  But I felt that I need to stop praying for that.  I felt that I need to accept that this challenge will be with me until this life is done, but it will be ok. I don't know how, but it was the first glimmer of peace I have felt.  I felt my Saviors love for me through that Young Woman, through that General Conference talk.

I felt my Savior's love for me through the Testimony of two Missionaries, who stopped by our house tonight.  Who bore sincere testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of Jesus Christ.  Who radiate the Spirit of the Lord.

I felt my Savior's love for me when the Young Women stopped by my house tonight and caroled love songs to me.  They loved me enough to sing to me, and include me when I had family arrangements that made it so I couldn't go with them.

I felt my Savior's love for me when someone heart attacked our house with a plate of cookies on my door steps.

I felt my Savior's love when He loved me enough to answer my humble prayer.

But I still miss you

Dear Nana,

It's been over 6 weeks since you passed on.  I was floored by this realization today.  I think of you every. single. day.  I miss you more than I can express.  So many times during the day I think of things I want to call you about.  Or in mid chuckle, I tell myself to remember this so I can tell you when you call next.  And the spilt second later I remember.  Then my heart hurts and I am lost in my thoughts for awhile.  Klint seems to always know when I am thinking of you.  He says I get a look in my eye.  The hurt and sadness is always there, just under the surface.  It's weird because something completely unrelated to you will go wrong and I will get upset about it, and then I am even more upset because being upset reminds me of missing you.

Emily had to make a poster about her life for Kindergarten this week.  She wanted to put a bunch of pictures of her and you on it.  As I was going through our bucket of printed pictures I was taken by how many (nearly all) involved you, your house, or your generosity.  And then I am not so taken back because you have always been so involved with me. With every aspect of my life.

I feel defensive and and almost mad when people find out my grandmother (you) passed away.  They quickly give their apologies and then just as quickly move on.  I often get the sense that they think you were just a grandmother like anyone else's grandmother, that was old and ready to die.  I want to scream and shake NO!!  You are so much more.  I am so much closer to you than anyone else, including my own mother.  You were so healthy, so full of life. Not sick, or weak, just waiting for "your time".  It was such a hard, rough shock to have you die so quickly.  But that is pure selfishness talking.  I know in my head it was an immense blessing, and just the way you would have wanted and deserved it to be.  It was blessing for a very righteous, service filled life, reserved for you from a loving Heavenly Father who knew the desires of your heart. But I still miss you.

It is nearly overwhelming when I think how long it will be until I get to "catch up" with you again.  I try desperately to avoid thinking about that, because its still just too hard.  I hope to one day get to the point when I can lovingly think of chatting again.

During random times of the day my mind, almost subconsciously, drifts to the morning you passed away.  And always to one particular moment.  The time when I held your hand, smoothed out your fingers, felt your hard strong nails that I was envious of my whole life, laughed at the bruising and puncture wounds, knowing just where those came from.  Your hands were you, and will perhaps be one of the images I remember with the greatest detail.

Oh Nana.  I wish I could have had one more visit.  One more chat, one more phone call.  One more box.  One more newspaper clipping, one more inspired round of advice, one more tight enveloping hug, one more offer of your ever present & ready hanky.

Wednesday

* new favorite type of pants.  Found 'em at Costco for only $12.99!!  They may or may not be from the little girls sections, and they may or may not have an adjustable waistband. But they are so super comfy.  I love them!

*feeling loved and other people's concern for me.

*hearing Cole say over and over merry christmas.  I do believe I'm the only one that can understand that's what he is saying...and that makes me so happy too!

*thinking of Christmas for my kids.  When I think of Christmas for me I want to cry.  I miss Nana so much still, it hurts every day.  But I am excited to see my kids at Christmas.  Especially when they find out we are getting a puppy!

*thinking of Lucy our new little puppy makes me very happy.  I can't wait to see her, hold her, love her, and hoping to find healing in her.

Gods Love

Not even sure why I am writing, mainly because I don't know how I am feeling.  I feel so scattered.  Sometimes I feel deep happiness...peace I would say.  And the next moment I feel extreme heaviness and sorrow...broken.  But I have found that writing helps me to feels God love for me.  I guess that's why I started to write, because I want to feel His love for me.   I want to recognize the innumerable blessings around me, hand picked and sent to me from Him.  And I know, because I have tried Him in times past, that counting my blessings is one sure way to get a pick me up.  I need a pick me up today.  I miss my Nana so much I can't even talk about it with people other than my husbando.  I feel very blest for my children.  Blest that I can't wallow too long with them around because they need me.  They need me to do things for them, they need me to listen, they need me to reassure them.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hide my feelings of sorrow or grief around them, whenever I sniffle (because I have a tiny cold) they all perk up to see if I'm crying again.  I want them to see me grieve, to see that it's ok.  It's ok to cry and not feel "good" or happy for a while.  It just means you loved that person an awful lot.  But I am grateful because I am needed by them, I can't stay in my low of low points  too long, they have a way of snapping me out of it.  I am grateful to them because I still want to celebrate this season.  They lost their Nanny for a little while, they shouldn't miss out on the season as well.  I love the Christmas season, and feel that I have an extra reason to celebrate and rejoice, coming to understand the birth and Atonement on yet another new level...but at the same time I am too weary to really go about the motions.  But I do it anyway, for my kids.  And while I am doing it I am happy.  I am happy because I know that's exactly what my Nana would like me to do.  She would be so angry at me if I didn't, and it feels good to imagine her smiling at my actions.
I have felt God's love for me through many other people this week.  Another testimony that we are God's hands to help lift those that hang low.  I didn't want to go to Young Women's yesterday.  I just didn't feel cheerful, and they were having a Christmas party.  But one of my sweet sweet Laurels tagged me in a facebook post expressing her love for me.  And it made me feel happy, and it made me want to fullfill my calling and hug that sweet sweet lady for helping me feel God's love for me.
I have felt God's love for me when another choice daughter left me a very long text of how it was for her to grieve after the passing of her mother.  As I read it, I  recognized it, and I felt love.
I have Felt God's love for me every time my handsome husbando wraps me in his arms and lets me sob into his shirt.  He knows he doesn't have to say a word, he just holds me and I don't feel so lost anymore.  I feel grounded when I am in his arms.  And I feel love.
I have felt God's love for me when I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I saw it peeking out of the kitchen window and to be real, I didn't want to look at it, I turned away.  But something inside prodded me to look and appreciate.  So I did, and I am so glad I did.

Whisper

Friday morning, I woke early….around 4:00 am. I laid in bed, lost in my thoughts for a bit.  Around 5:00 I rolled out of bed and quickly got dressed, keeping my pajama shirt on and just adding some jeans.  I whispered to my husband that I was leaving, and grabbed the keys.  I got in my car, but not to join the thousands of shoppers trying to get the best deals that morning.  I drove to the hospital and rode the elevator to the eleventh floor.  I found room 1105.  My brother lovingly left after staying all night, and I was alone with my Nana.  My best friend.  The night before, we drove through the night to get there, to be there with her.  She had a traumatic fall and her passing was close.  My Nana has been my best friend since I can remember.  Nearly all my adventures in life, in some way, included Nana.  I sat down next to her bedside and took her hand.  She was unresponsive, but I knew that she knew I was there.  We have always had a special connection.  I cannot count the times I went to call her and just as I picked up the phone, it rang with her on the other line.  Nor can I recall the many times I would make a decision to do something and the very next day Nana would call and ask if I had considered this possibility, and it would be the exact path I had already decided on or was leaning heavily to.  As a child I would savor the time I had with her.  I always felt so loved, so grown up.  I was always comfortable with Nana.  I was always at home, no matter the place, as long as she was there.  She bought me my first push up bra after nursing my first baby, and often (as late as last Monday!) chided me for dressing too old and not wearing enough color.  As I took her hand I spread out her fingers and felt her long, strong nails.  I noticed all the bruising on her hand and knew it wasn’t from the fall but more likely from her latest battle with the roses out back.  She taught me how to care for living things.  She taught me how to whisper to my flowers to encourage them to grow.  She taught me to love the dirt and that it was the best form of therapy for our soul.  As I traced her fingers I talked with her about my love for her.  I thanked her for being my best friend, and how I expected and wanted her to keep watching over me…just from a different place now.  I felt a sacred peace settle in my heart.  I knew shortly she would be with her beloved dad whom she had missed for a very long time.  I knew she would soon be working in those Celestial gardens and how happy she would feel to stand up from kneeling and not feel the pain in her back or hips anymore.  I sat in the quiet darkened room with Nana for nearly four hours.  It was the greatest tender mercy of my life.  Although she didn’t physically acknowledged I was there, it was like we were back in Draper, each of us sitting in the green recliners and talking into the late hours of the nights. Marleen, a sweet, caring, gentle cna came in and asked if I wanted to help wash her.  I readily agreed, knowing that Nana would have lovingly done the same for me.  It was an experience I will always hold close.  We repositioned her and I combed her hair, just like I had watched her do for years.  I will miss that dark, thick hair.  The doctors came in and told me it would be best to call family and have them come quickly as her passing was close. My time with her was done.  I want to remember that morning, I want to remember the peace I felt, that only could have come from her and a loving Heavenly Father.  I want to remember holding her hand just the two of us, just like we had for years before.  The cliché saying of words cannot describe, at least in this earthly language, apply this morning as well.  I hope to keep living in the way she would be pleased with.  My heart is heavy and it feels like I am broken.  I know time will help, I am just unsure of what life will look like without her, and she was such a big part of mine.  I love you Nana.  I anxiously look forward to our chats again.  I will deeply miss your calls, your Christmas-morning-like boxes, your concern for me, your deep soul filling hugs. You were happiest serving others, and was my greatest example of the pure love of Christ.  I will miss you. 

Answered Prayers part 2

Life is crazy.  Crazy busy.  I realize it just gets more busy as my kids grow.  I feel like I am juggling, and it's only a matter of seconds before I literally drop the ball, or all the balls.  I felt overwhelmed, and I missed my family.  I missed Klint.  There are many weeks where I only see him one or two hours out of the entire day ( and those are when the kids are already in bed) because of work, meetings, church, etc.  It never slows down.  I cringe when the phone rings, because I know it usually means one more thing has to get down.  But the Lord knows my heart, and I think He knows that I have righteous desires.   I want to serve faithfully in the Church.  I want to support my husband as he serves faithfully.  I want my children to have experiences that will enrich and edify their life, encouraging them to develop their talents.  But I don't know how to do all of this, all the time.  The selfish part of me begins to boil and begins to demand "my time".  "I want to do what I want with my time, whenever I want to!"

It was at this boiling point that I looked at the calendar to see that I was scheduled to work in the temple this Saturday.  Which meant I wouldn't see my husband (due to his other obligations) for more than 2 hours that Saturday (minus sleeping time).  I went to the temple, but not with a cheerful heart.  I went out of obligation.
But for some reason, the Lord decided to bless me, even though I didn't have the nice cheerful attitude I should have.  I still went, and again I was blessed way more than I deserved.  I felt the spirit whisper in my mind, "maybe you need to realize this isn't your time.  Maybe it would be better if you realized this is the Lord's time.  If you truly want to do His will, then let Him guide your life to what He wants it to be."

I was humbled.

I feel that over the past three years I have repeatedly learned that I want to do the will of my Father in Heaven. With the trials of Cole, and many other smaller trials I have felt a little like I am in the furnace, being molded and taught how to live to do the Lords will.  I never realized on my own, only with the aid of the spirit, that my schedule was included in that.  My heart again changed.  Now each morning I pray to know how the Lord would like me to spend my time.  And if the answer is to support Klint in his meeting and put the kids to bed, then I can cheerfully do it, because that's the Lords will.  Its ironic that by giving up my will I am so much the better and happier for it.  I have battled for years, trying to overcome this one my own.  I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father that finds me important enough to gently remind and teach me how to live a better way.  He wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be His forever.  And He has shown His patience to help me do just that, over and over and over again.  Answered prayers.  Amen.

Answered Prayers

For myself and my posterity.

I have felt the quiet stirrings of the spirit for two weeks now to write down my experiences with answered prayers these past few days, I can't put it off anymore.

Starting this summer, I have really struggled living in Lubbock.  I have a testimony that I need to be here.  That we were brought here by the hand of the Lord, and told again last year that, without a doubt,  this is where we need to be.  When that last answer came to stay in Lubbock, I promised the Lord I would do so with a more cheerful heart.  I wouldn't murmur about Lubbock anymore.  I did pretty well for several months, but slowly (as it often happens) murmuring thoughts crept in.  I wished it was prettier here.  I wish I was closer to my sisters, I wish I could go biking somewhere,I wish i was where lived so I could do that with my kids... I wish..i wish..i wish.  I began to feel guilty that I lived so far from my sisters who must shoulder many of our family burdens, and I felt that I was shirking my duty.  I began to let that bitterness build, all long realizing I wasn't keeping my promise to "happily" be in Lubbock.  It brought me to my knees one morning.  The bitterness and the guilt for feeling the resentment was just too much.  I had been praying daily to "bloom where I was planted", to find the beauty and joy in my surroundings, to be content.  But that morning  I simply wasn't.  In my heart felt prayer I sincerely apologized for letting the bitterness grow, trying to take care of my feelings on my own.  I pleaded with the Lord to soften my heart.  I expressed my most sincere desire to do His will, and not my own.  To see His purpose in my life, at this time, for this season.  I felt a little more peace, as I always do, after praying.  And went about my life. 

Not even a few days later I began noticing beautiful things all around me.  The beautiful songs of the birds outside.  The way the clouds swept over the big open sky.  The Big Open Sky.  I began to see how familiar and how attached I was to my surroundings, even the same street I drive on half a dozen times each and every day.  A love for Lubbock, for its beauty, for its people, began to fill my heart to the brim, pushing out all the lingering resentment, envy, and bitterness. I was reminded in a most intense way of my love for the people I am surrounded with, who are in Lubbock.  How much I love them, and how much they have touched my life, making me such a better person than I was before I knew them.  For the first time I felt like I was HOME.  And I love my Home.   I know with an absolute knowledge that this change of heart was nothing sort of a blessing from a very Loving Heavenly Father.  So often my pleadings in my prayers are answered with trials...my very own learning process to develop the qualities and attributes I have prayed for.  But for some reason, the Lord decided that this time He would simply change my heart, and open my eyes.  And it's all because I asked.  Based on my attitude, and the way I had acted the last few months, I definitely didn't deserve it, but because I asked, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me what I needed to fulfill my promise to Him.

Tuesday January 22, 2013

*Klint taking Cole to therapy this morning so I could rest.  He is so selfless.  I love him.

*Creamy salsa chicken for dinner.

*A home that is warm and big enough for our family.  A kitchen full of food.  A washer and dryer to clean our clothes.  We are always being provided for. 

*Scriptures and pure inspiration.

Thursday January 17, 2013

*kind wonderful friends.  I loved talking with a sweet dear friend today.  Thank you for coming into my sick infested house and bringing me lunch.  I will always be here for you Brooke.

**wonderful friends who are watching three of my kids this weekend so Klint and I and Cole can go meet up with my sister and bro-in-law in Dallas for the weekend!!  I am sooo excited!!

*Answered prayers. Cole is a bit better than yesterday.  Justin has been praying for him all week, because he really wants to spend the weekend at the Voorhies.  Grateful for my faithful family.

*I get to see my sister tomorrow!!! Wahooo!!!!